100 Year Curse

by Sean Heffernan 

I have called you all here today to lay to rest the latest installment of the lovable losers of Wrigley Field, the Chicago Cubs.

It was a year where almost everything that could go wrong did go wrong for the Cubbies. Every move management made in the offseason fell flat on its face. The 2009 Cubs had a few things go right, but it was mostly a year of unmet expectations and underachievement.

The ghosts of Kerry Wood and Mark DeRosa haunted Waveland Ave. It took the Cubs three-quarters of the season to figure out that Kevin Gregg wasn't going to replace Wood. When Mark DeRosa returned to Wrigley as a Cleveland Indian, he got a standing ovation, as the Cub faithful truly missed the consistent, high-character infielder.

Things just didn't go well for the Cubs in '09. Alfonso Soriano looked lost in left field all year. The bullpen was a crap shoot night in and night out.  Aramis Ramirez, the only true RBI hitter on the team, still can't shake the injury bug. The only thing Geovany Soto hit this season was the bong.

It was a terrible year.

We all knew what we were getting with Milton Bradley: a guy with great numbers and history of attitude problems. All we got was the attitude. Bradley showed some life in recent weeks, but when the Cubs were actually in the race for the division, he was pitiful at the plate, citing the fans and the day games as excuses for his poor play.

As big as a disaster Milton Bradley was for the 2009 Cubs, I would have to give the biggest disappointment award to Alfonso Soriano.

Soriano might be the most overpaid player in the MLB this season, making $17 million and batting .241 with a measly 55 RBI. You just can't have a marquee player like that under-perform to that degree and expect to be successful. Perhaps the drawn out sale of the Cubs to the Ricketts family kept the team from making the midseason moves they wanted, but that doesn't excuse the play on the field.

What's depressing is Ramirez has the second most RBI on the team, behind Derrek Lee, and he missed half the season. Lee can't be blamed for the poor year, as he's having a great year batting .300 with 31 HRs and 96 RBI.

Another bright spot was Ted Lilly, who turned out to be this season's most reliable arm, ahead of Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, and Rich Harden. Lilly's current ERA of 3.17 is the best of his 10-year playing career.

Another bright spot in the rotation has been newcomer Randy Wells, who has the lowest ERA of Cubs starters at 2.84. Ryan Theriot has played his role adequately at shortstop, batting .286 and knocking in 50 RBI.

Should Cubs manager Lou Piniella lose his job after the disappointment that was this season?

I don't know how you fire a guy when in his first two seasons the Cubs won the division. I know that Cubs fans expect victories now, but looking back at the history of the organization, two division titles in three years is pretty damn good. Lou deserves another year to right the ship.

Management needs to make better moves this offseason. The team needs another RBI hitter that isn't a head case (i.e. Milton Bradley). I'm not sure Zambrano can be the ace the Cubs need him to be, as he continues to battle with inconsistency.

One could hope that with the new ownership in place, some smart moves will be made that will revitalize the Cubbies, but people on the north side of Chicago have the right to some healthy pessimism. There still may be a few weeks left in the season to play, but Cubs fans will have to look to next year to break the now 100-year curse.

Goodbye, 2009 Cubs. You won't be missed.

Thoughts on the 2009 Cubs? Please comment below.

I bet if there was a cheeseburger on the mound, you'da charged it.

Last night, the Milwaukee fuctards Brewers were on the receiving end of a 17-4 thrashing at the hands of the LA Dodgers and fatass first baseman Prince Fielder was on the receiving end of a pitch to the ass with two outs in the ninth.

Losing 17-4 combined with getting hit by a pitch in the waning innings of a game whose outcome is a foregone conclusion is understandably frustrating.  So what did Fielder do?  Did he take it like a man, jog to first, let the game end and head back to MKE?  Did he decide to be a badass about it and charge the mound to give Guillermo Mota a 268 pound beating?  Nope, musta been afraid he'd get Nolan'd.  Instead, he decided to be a whiny bitch and try to break into the Dodgers clubhouse to start a fight after the game with every camera in the stadium on him.  To paraphrase Clevon Little "Baby please - you're makin'  a Wisconsin spectacle of yourself."

Settle it on the field or let it go.  File this one under chicken-shit baseball.  This is why everyone hates Milwaukee.  Video below.  The Cubbies remain 4 games up on the Brew Crew and tied with the St. Louis douchebags Cardinals for first place.   

watch?v=g-RwPDkNjRk

Not only do I love seeing a southsider get womped on, but let's face it, any excuse to post this clip is a good one.

16 years ago today, a 46 year old Nolan Ryan taught a spry, young 25 year old Robin Ventura why YOU DON'T FUCK WITH TEXAS.

I mean really, who you gonna take in a fight? A guy named Nolan, or a guy named Robin?

That's what I thought.

Happy sweet 16, Nolan Ryan.

In honor of one of sports' greatest ass kickings, we here at BTeamBombers have compiled a list of the top 10 songs to kick ass to.

10. Welcome to the jungle - GNR

watch?v=IYRC4H64EFk

9. Boys on The Docks - Dropkick Murphys

watch?v=YLTpK_d461w

8. White Light/White Heat - The Velvet Underground

watch?v=9mn71fQpXNY

7. Cocaine Blues - Johnny Cash

watch?v=Aq344ks1ieg

6. Bawitdaba - Kid Rock

watch?v=P6nvrYopHV8

5. Ruff Ryders Anthem - DMX 

watch?v=uoIsbbPQnTI

4. Street Fightin' Man - The Rolling Stones (G-7!)

watch?v=NRqtKLskPQs

3. Anarchy in the UK - The Sex Pistols

watch?v=dAsWdUo7r4c

2. Kick Some Ass - Stroke 9

watch?v=Vvol_SmbHCI

1. Beat on the Brat - The Ramones

watch?v=_JSGczqVLLg

OK Bombers, let's hear your suggestions.

-Wild

Friday night White Sox G.M. Kenny Williams pulled a rabbit out his hat acquiring San Diego Padres pitcher Jake Peavy in the waining hours of the MLB training deadline. ... Williams had been in the running for Peavy earlier in the year when it seemed the right hander would be on the move. White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen was pleased with the last second trade,"I was shocked, we got better and now we got one guy we wanted for a long time." The White Sox trail division leaders Detroit Tigers who earlier in the day picked up Seattle Mariners lefty Jarrod Washburn. Williams dealt four young White Sox pitching prospects for Peavy: Dexter Carter, Aaron Poreda, Adam Russell, Clayton Richard. The catch is that Peavy has been on DL for over a month with a right ankle injury. The 2007 CY Young winner should be ready to pitch by the end of August after a few rehab starts in the minors.

So what do the White Sox get in Jake Peavy? They add a ace pitcher to a staff that includes Mark Buerhle, Gavin Floyd, Jose Contreras, and John Danks. Peavy has a career ERA of 3.29 and was the pitcher in baseball hands down in 2007 with a 19-6 record, The main hope for the trade is to give the Sox a another great arm for September when they are battling for the central division title or for the Wild Card. Its always a risk trading for a player who isn't healthy, but White Sox fans can't complain that their G.M. doesn't have guts. Respect to Kenny Williams for pulling the trigger. This move certainly will make the next few months interesting on the south side of Chicago.

Boston's slugging duo turns up dirty two rings later

by Sean Heffernan

The use of steroids taints everything baseball has achieved in recent history: The Sosa/McGwire home run race in 1998, Roger Clemens winning the CY Young in 2001, Barry Bonds hitting 73 the same year, Alex Rodriguez record breaking contract with the Yankees, and even the Boston Red Sox’s two World Series championships. When news broke that Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz were on the supposed list of MLB players who tested positive for banned substances in 2003 no one was surprised. ...Ramirez and Ortiz joined the handful of others who have been made public leaving the majority of the list still unknown. Baseball needs to face its sins and just release the rest of the list and deal with consequences. You would think the players who've been clean their entire career would unite in anger over steroids, but that just hasn't been the case. I guess no likes a snitch. Still I think it’s better to deal with everything out in the open than having a few names trickle out every year. Baseball needs to bottom out before it can begin to rebuild itself again.

I hate to say it, but Jose Canseco has been pretty dead on. When you have such a large number of baseball players using steroids you would have to think that the league was aware of it and just turned a blind eye making millions upon millions. The steroid induced Sosa/McGwire race galvanized baseball after the 1994 strike. It made people care about baseball beyond their local teams. And it was a complete farce. Baseball fans were had. Gone are the larger than life ghosts of baseball past that our parents and grandparents talk about. Who will we talk about when we’re old? For today’s baseball fan, it’s not worth investing emotion in a star player when it seems the majority of them took steroids at one time or another. "The Steroids Era" will probably go down as the darkest period in the history of the game. Like those greedy souls who slowly pushed America’s economy over the falls, Major League Baseball soiled our country’s national pastime for the love of money. We’ve learned this decade, be it in our bank accounts or our sports sections, that capitalism if left to its own devise we’ll begin to eat at itself like a snake devouring its own tail. All that is left for baseball-loving Americans to cling to is their hopeful prayers that their team finds a way into October. Lord knows what the baseball Gods are thinking above.

Does he have the body of work to get into Cooperstown?

Now with a perfect game and a no-hitter on his resume, it begs the question: is Mark Buehrle a Hall of Famer?

The Bombers debate in the latest forum

In the history of baseball, there have been 18 perfect games. The latest of those 18, of course, is Chicago White Sox left hander Mark Buehrle. In addition to his perfect game, Buehrle previously threw a no-hitter against the Texas Rangers in 2007.

Consider the names of the 5 other pitchers who have thrown both a perfect game and a no hitter: Cy Young, Addie Joss, Jim Bunning, Sandy Koufax, and Randy Johnson. Impressive, right? As a matter of fact, every one of those pitchers is (or will be in Randy Johnson's case) inducted in the Baseball Hall of Fame.

Does Buehrle belong?

Chris Cwik

Pros:
-Longevity - Buehrle was called up in 2000, he was only 21 years old. At age 30, he has already pitched 10 years in the majors.
- Durability - Over his 10 seasons in the majors. He has rarely been hurt and has had 8 straight season with over 200 innings pitched.
- Consistency - His 3.76 career ERA is well under the league average. He has only had one losing season out of his 10. Eight seasons with more than 200 IP.
-Achievements - Let's see, only the sixth pitcher to throw a no hitter and the perfect game.

Cons:
-Star power - Mark Buehrle is very good at what he does, but he has never been (and probably never will be) recognized as a superstar. He doesn't strike out many batters and throws in the mid-high 80s.
-Counting Stats - This is where Buehrle really struggles. The voters really consider things like K's and Wins. Buehrle has never won over 20 games in a season. As stated above, he doesn't overpower many batters and his highest K total was 165 in 2004. Not to mention, Buehrle only has 130 career wins. He would have to up his win total in the next 10 or so years to reach 300.
-Longevity - Let's keep in mind, Buehrle is about half way through his career. He has stayed durable and consistent thus far, but that could change as he gets older.
-Style - Buehrle relies on poise and control. What happens if he loses a few ticks off his fastball as he ages? Maybe hitters start to tee off against him. However, guys like Tom Glavine and Jamie Moyer pitched long into their 40s by relying on control and poise. Buehrle will need to pitch at least 10 more effective years to reach some of the counting stats the voters require.

Cwik: Mussina's bound for Cooperstown. Buerhle maybe?

Conclusion:
Buehrle has a long way to go in order to convince voters that he is worthy. However, the internet has enabled many stat-savvy writers to gain entry into the voting pool. These writers care less about wins, and more about the individual stats that pitchers put up. They may look at the fact that Buehrle put up an ERA well below the major league average, and that his team was the reason he hasn't won 20 games yet. In this way, he could very much be like Mike Mussina. Many stat-oriented writers thought Mussina was a hall of famer based on his consistency, strikeouts, and longevity. Many older writers pointed out that Moose never won 20 games in a season. Of course, that all changed when Mussina finally won 20 games in his final season. Now, it appears Moose is well on his way to the HOF. Buehrle is going to need to continue dominance over the next 10 years and hopefully luck his way into one or two 20 win seasons. With a little bit of luck, and a little bit of veteran savvy, Buehrle might just do it, but the odds are probably against him. Then again, there is nothing ordinary about Buehrle's career. Maybe he continues to defy the odds.

Blake

Gee... Thanks, Cwik. You basically just concluded that Mark Buehrle probably won't get in... but Maybe he does. Way to take a stance. You should run for office. "I don't necessarily think that the health care reforms will go through, but maybe they do." Who knows, right? Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't.

Here's what I do know: Mark Buehrle deserves a plaque in Cooperstown.

Looking at Cwik's Pros/Cons, Mark Buehrle's longevity, consistency, durability, and star power (from the cons listings) reminds me of another pitcher who started his career in Chicago...

Never struck out a lot of batters, relied on poise and precision, didn't light up the radar gun with mid-high 90s fastballs... C'mon, you're thinking it. Wild Bill's shitting himself... yup, he just realized it... Sean Hef not so much. He's reading up on Liverpool's Garrard's suspension or some foreign soccer shit.

Greg Maddux.

Greg Maddux is Mark Buerhle 1.0

Mark Buehrle is, not just comparable, but a dead ringer for Greg Maddux, a sure-fire Hall of Famer. Except Buehrle's better than Greg Maddux. Did that just blow your mind?

I hear feathers ruffling. And before you charge my Queens apartment with pitchforks and torches consider the following:

First, I'm conceding that Buehrle has never won 20 games in a season or a Gold Glove or reached 300 wins (and he won't. Buehrle has no desire to pitch for another 10-12 years) or a Cy Young (but this could should be the year).

The stats are a wash. Consider this, across the board, Maddux's numbers are fractionally better. And I stress fractional to the point that it's literally decimal points. A tenth of a point here, five tenths there... whatever. (http://www.baseball-reference.com/compare.cgi?top=/players/b/buehrma01.shtml)

The numbers wash when you consider that Maddux pitched in the NL for his entire career (weaker lineups with the pitchers hitting when compared to the AL with the DH) & Maddux pitched in more pitcher friendly parks than Buehrle (want to argue Atlanta's Turner Field, LA's Dodger Stadium, or San Diego's PetCo Park against The Cell? No, you don't.).

Both of Buehrle's history pieces came at home in a ballpark that sends off home runs like Hamas shoots off missiles. What makes the perfect game more amazing is that it was done in July when the ball was jumping off the bats... well, for the Sox anyways.

Mark Buehrle is Greg Maddux 2.0.. See what I'm sayin here?

So while Greg Maddux has 300 wins and 4 Cy Young Awards, he has neither a no-hitter nor a perfect game whereas Mark Buehrle--and only 4 other pitchers--has both.

Honestly, the only thing that's holding Buehrle's campaign up is the fact that he's been buried on some mediocre to bad White Sox teams. From 2001 - 2003, Buehrle was the only highlight of terrible Sox teams starring the oft injured Big Hurt's ankle, Magglio Ordonez's knee, and Carlos Lee's extra 30 lbs.

Think Greg Maddux would have his "star power" if he played with those craptacular Cubs teams in the 90s? Please, the Cubs were just as obscure as the Sox until Sammy Sosa started jacking 60 HRs a year.

Here's what Buehrle's final resume will most likely look when it's all said and done:

- 175 wins
- 3.80 ERA
- .600 Winning %
- No-hitter
- Perfect Game
- World Series Ring (a World Series in which he registered a save in Game 3)

Is he a first ballot Hall of Famer? There's no way the writers vote him in on the first go. Most likely, the writers put Buehrle in the hall on the 7-10th chance. But he's getting into the Hall, no questions asked.

Oh, and this just in tonight... Buehrle just added another bullet point to his resume: 45 consecutive batters retired. That's a major league record, kids. So like I said, Mark Buehrle's getting into the Hall of Fame.

Monty

Buehrle, 30, has thrown almost 2000 innings since being called up in 2000. Since then and entering Tuesday, he has a career ERA of 3.76, better than Mike Mussina and Andy Pettitte. In that same time, Buehrle has 133 wins, that’s more wins than CC Sabathia, Johan Santana and Curt Schilling. Buehrle has some nice credentials, but does that make him a possible Hall of Famer? Most likely not, Buehrle certainly has great aspects to his game, but the biggest difference between the hall of very good and the Hall of Fame is dominance. Granted, he has thrown a perfect game, one of 18 in MLB history to do so, Buehrle has never…

1. Won more than 20 games in a season, only won more than 16 once
2. Finished higher than 5th in Cy Young Voting, only one top five finish
3. Never struck out more than 200 hitters in a season, his highest is 165

Only one starting pitcher has a higher career ERA than Buehrle and has made the Hall that is Red Ruffing, who stopped pitching over 60 years ago. In fact, only 4 of the 75 pitcher in the HOF have an ERA of 3.60 or higher and of those players, Red Ruffing is the most recent to do so.

What do you Mean you forgot about RED RUFFING?!?!

In order for Buehrle to even be in consideration of the Hall, he needs to start dominating AL hitting soon and for a long time. Seeing as how unlikely that is, you can end the Mark Buehrle to the Hall discussion for now, if he gets to 300 wins, the discussion could be revisited. Mark Buehrle is reliable, sturdy and always good for a quick game. He may not become a Hall of Famer, but, having a World Series ring, hitting a home run, being a four time all-star, throwing two no-hitters and a perfect game is not bad to have on the resume.

Final Forum Verdict: 1 vote supporting, 1 vote opposing, and 1 vote twiddling its thumbs more nervously than Woody Allen. Bombers scorecard can't predict Mark Buehrle's Cooperstown destination. Blake fervidly holds that, while his is an opinion completely biased and partial, that Buehrle's going to the Hall and the Special Guest Bombers don't know shit from a hole in the ground. Monty straight up says, "No. Show me more." (Ask how that approach worked out for Pacman Jones in Vegas for me, will ya, pal?) And Cwik just pre-maturely ejaculated.

So what do you think? Buehrle adding the HOF to his autograph: Yes or No? Let us know how you see it.

Rock, Pitch, Catch.

You know it's a good moment when you feel like the credits are about to roll in a John Cusack movie.

Every sound drowns out as white noise and every movement seems to be in slow motion--especially in retrospect.

Allow me to set the scene:

I'm at my desk in Manhattan's Midtown East--a stone's throw from the Chrysler Building. The amount of work I have in front of me is suffocating. My desk is another area FEMA hasn't yet gotten to. I have publisher contracts, terms & conditions documents, notes, to-do lists, and empty bags of delivered deli sandwiches.

The game is in the top of the 6th and I'm using a supervisor's MLB.tv password, watching the game on "Mini View" positioned on the lower right hand corner of my screen, scrolling through the box score to get caught up. "God Dammit," I thought to myself, "I need to put the day games into my Outlook calendar." I always forget about day games until about an hour after first pitch. I remember them when I first sit down to my desk in the morning, but I never seem to be able to keep the thought around the time the game's set to start. As I scroll through the box score, I'm seeing a string of zeros that I need to double check.

Numbers are about 73% of my day in Excel. Check the formulas, check the format, make sure everything lines up, make sure nothing stands out, each row of numbers tells a story. The story in this string of zeros in the box score through 5.2 innings isn't something I've ever seen before while looking at the box score to see how the game's been going. No hits. Seveteen at-bats for the Rays, no hits. Errors? I scroll down to the Sox defensive notes below the offensive stats. None. No Errors. "Alexei must be awake this afternoon," I said to myself. Holy Shit! The White Sox have a perfect game going. Who's pitching? It's Buerhle. Wait... Buerhle?

Baby Buerhle

He's been the Sox's staff ace for 8 years now. I remember seeing him as a rookie in 2000 in the ALDS against Seattle, a series in which the Sox were swept. He hasn't changed much since. In fact, the only thing about Mark Buerhle that has changed is his now-I-have-it-now-I-don't facial hair (remember 2002's mutton chop sideburns? yeesh... And, yes, I had them too. Eventually.) and his habit of sliding on the tarp covering the infield during rain delays (a habit broken by threats of $5,000 fines from the front office). Mark Buerhle is the Everyman. He's such a relatable, regular guy that nobody ever gives him his due. Even I, the South Siders' biggest ambassador in New York when Obama's not in town, seem to glance over Buerhle when thinking of my Sox. And you know what? That's by design. That's exactly how Buerhle wants it. He takes the mound once every five days and follows a robotic pattern: rock into motion, pitch into the strike zone, and catch the return throw from the catcher. Rock, pitch, catch. Rock, pitch, catch.

Back to the top of the 6th: Kapler's up. I can never count Kapler out of anything. He's a stubborn son of a gun. Somebody told this guy he's too old to play. Somebody else set him up as a manager of a minor league team. What happens next? He says, "Screw these punk kids in the minors. I got somethin' else to give." Now he's in the second season of his second career as a big league ball player. Disney made "The Rookie" one Ray too early.

Gabe Kapler would have been a better story than Jim Morris.

Kapler grounds out to Boy Wonder Gordon Beckham at third: 5-3. Six innings perfect. It's still early though. There's still 3 more innings. That's one full swing through the line-up that includes 5 All-Stars (Pena, Longoria, Zobrist, Crawford, and Bartlett). Three more perfect innings is a lot to ask for from a guy that hopes--no,wants--you to hit the ball.

Bottom of the sixth. I have a meeting about a presentation for a campaign not set to launch until September. I sit through a re-group itching to get back to my desk to see what happens with Buerhle. Does he close or does flirting with the perfecto end at rubbing the small of its back? Meeting over. Perfect.

I get back to my computer, wake up my screen, put in my password just in time to see Gordon pop out to Pena at first to end the inning. But I don't care. I've already filed through the highlights of Josh Fields' grand slam (See what you did there, Josh? Job well done, sir. That's called hitting and we'd like to do be able to do it at a consistent clip. Thanks.) Great. Inning over, now let's get to the good stuff.

I scramble for my headphones during the commercial break between innings. "Hawk has got to be going nuts. I'll bet he's vibrating in his seat and Stoney is just wondering how the hell he could be sitting next to such a impartial homer of a Sox fan," I say to nobody in particular. Nobody outside Chicago knows or appreciates the greatness of listening to a Hawk Harrelson in the booth during a game. You don't feel like you're watching the game having to deal with intermittent comments about this pitch, what the manager said about that player, or any of that nonsense. No, you're watching the game with your overexcited old friend, uncle, grandfather. You're watching the game with somebody who shares your passion for the Good Guys--somebody who's heart is as black as yours during the summer.

He doesn't call the game. He cheers with you.

Found 'em. Earbuds go from my iTouch to my computer. And, yes, as I expected (hoped?), Hawk can barely contain himself. First batter of the inning, B.J. Upton. I don't care how much he struggles, he's nasty. And I'm willing to bet at this point, he's reeling to redeem himself for misplaying Alexei's line drive the night before. Not this time, B.J. grounds out to Alexei. 6-3. 8 outs to go.

Carl Crawford: Changeup right back at ya, Mark. 1-3. 7 outs to go.

The crowd's really getting into now. Every strike, every foul ball: it's all the most anticipated event of the day. In fact, I don't think I can handle this. I have enough work to keep me busy for the next millenia. I have approximately 175 unread emails sitting in my inbox. I really do have to get this stuff done, though. I don't want to create more work for my team as a result of my watching a perfect game that can very possibly still go sour any minute. But when will this ever happen again? I don't know. I can't predict things like this. My grandfather went an entire lifetime without having seen a White Sox World Series Winner. Nope, can't do it. I'm watching every second of this god damn game. Work's going to be there for the next 60 years of my life; perfect games and no hitters happen to your team once or twice in your life if you're lucky.

Evan Longoria: One pitch. Changeup. One can-of-corn fly ball to Jermaine Dye in right. 7 innings of perfect baseball.

I end up straying back to my Outlook to see if anybody's freaking on an "ASAP" basis. Blow it out your ass, ASAP. You'll get your deliverables, I'll hit my deadlines. Just work with me here. I answer 3 emails, organize 2 powerpoint slides, and manage to escape to take a leak so I won't have to miss any of the 8th or 9th.

I'm so excited that I can't handle it. My stomach's tighter than the OTHER Jay Cutler. The bodybuilding Jay Cutler. I haven't had a feeling this tight in my stomach since high school when, you know, I wasn't 25 pounds of beer and chicken wings. Without thinking, I commit the cardinal sin. I'm going straight to baseball fandom hell. "Hey, Buerhle's perfect through 7." And to the next guy, "Buerhle's perfect through 7." And to the VP of Research who knows everything there is to know about baseball, "Hey, Brad, Mark Buerhle is pitching into the 8th. Hasn't let a runner reach first. No hits, no walks."

No... I never had a single muscle like that. But you could imagine if I did, right?

Brad won't ever know it, but he's getting the call from the bullpen today. Dad couldn't make it to New York on such short notice. Brad's getting the spot start as the closest thing I can relate to as family. "Buerhle's got a perfect game going? Aw, come on, Will, I don't care about those Pale Hose," he says with a young man's antagonistic smirk on an old advertising VP man's face. "Let me turn on the radio. You can sit in my office and listen." I love this guy. "Man, act like I don't got this game on my computer taking up the full screen right now. Come on over, Brad. It's about to get wild over here." He lets out a knowing laugh. "My mistake, Will. How could I call you into question like that."

I forgot to take my piss. Jesus Christ... The game's back on and I've got a crowd around my desk. Three guys from the other side of the office floor, the guy who sits kitty corner to my desk, and a mix of people who pass by my desk but get tractor beamed back, I imagine, by the crowd hovering at my desk and what ends up being on the screen. A couple of women unhook themselves after they find out "it's only baseball". Thanks for coming, but this wasn't meant for you anyways. A couple others stay, "A perfect game? That's all strikes, right? I only know Randy Johnson did it like 2 years ago or something." Fair enough, A for effort. Please stay. Enjoy this with me.

The bottom of the 7th passes with my co-workers asking me to fill them in as if I've been watching the whole game. I haven't, but I talk like I do. After all, I've seen the highlights, right? The volume of the game is on my speakers now. No more earbuds, this is getting full volume. My dad ends up calling me, "Did you hear? We're trying to get it on the TV, but I don't think we have cable." He's always amazed when I tell him that I'm watching the game, or listening to it, at work. "They let you get away with that?" It's as if I'm stealing from the vault at Fort Knox. My brother IMs me. He pulls odd jobs and random tasks for one of the people in my dad's office. It's not a career choice, it's just a place to be online to bullshit with his older brother and his friends on AIM. He tells me they can't get the game on the TV because A.) the company doesn't have cable set up and B.) WhiteSox.com, MLB.com, ESPN.com, et al are all blocked. Nobody can see this unless they file into a bar on Clark St in downtown Chicago, which is funny because imagine how the office came to find out about it when the people coming in from the bars on Clark St came to talk--too many non-sequiturs and discrepancies to talk about here. If you're watching a PERFECT GAME over a Liquid Lunch on a Thursday, why go back to the office? You smell like booze and you're only thinking about the perfect game, right? Just go back to the bar and then go home.

Top of the 8th. I'm still on the phone with my dad, crowd's still around my desk. Here's where it starts to get surreal.

I can hear people talking behind me, almost as if I'm not there, while I'm on the phone with my old man.

"Look at this kid... he's gonna lose it with 2 outs in the 9th and we're just gonna move on. This is the biggest thing of his summer and we're sitting here trying to figure out how we forgot Chicago has two teams?"

"Yeah, really. I don't even like baseball. I just know that a perfect game is a big deal, I guess. Look at him. On the phone with Dad, his AIM's blowin' up all orange. This is pretty cool for him, I guess. I'm actually pretty jealous."

"Okay, Will." The voices are directed at me now. "Enough with the small talk with Dad, close the IMs, maximize the game. What are you doin' here?"

"Hey, Dad?" I say, "Lemme call you back in a bit. I got a crowd of anxious New Yorkers to deal with here."

First Up, Carlos Pena. His stats show up across the screen. 24 HRs? Jesus, this guy's a monster. Glad I drafted him in fantasy. But to hell with my "High School Never-Weres" ESPN.com fantasy team. I'm watching a fantasy right this second. First pitch to Pena, called strike. The crowd at the Cell cheers nervously with excitement. I'm getting chills and my right starts bouncing (I get antsy when I get worked up. You won't see it in my face, you'll see it building in my right leg. If you see it in my face, it's already too late. I'm about to snap.) It doesn't matter how quickly Buerhle works here. Each pitch, each stall between his rocking into motion, his pitching, and the umpire's call all culminate into held breaths and exhales mixed of relief, torture, and anticipation for the next pitch.

Second pitch to Pena: Changeup fouled off. OH, MAN! Did he just miss that, I thought.

Third pitch: STEEEEE! Pena goes down looking on a fastball on the outside corner, belt high. In other words, Pena looked at a meatball. He should have put that ball into Indiana. He knows it. Tail between his legs, Pena goes back to the dugout.

Ben Zobrist. I love this guy too. Goes about his business; and business is good. I'm nervous.

First pitch curveball fouled off. Ball. Foul ball for strike 2. Ball 2. Ball 3. Zobrist fouls out to Gordon Beckham on a changeup.

Two outs in the eighth. This is happening. It's going to happen. No way can he just let it go from here.

Pat Burrell. New to Tampa this year after a World Series Championship in Philadelphia and a career of underachieving.

Changeup called strike 1. YEAH, BABY! Here we go! Slider is absolutely RIPPED just barely foul of the left field line. It's so close to ruining everything that the ball spun around the umpire up the line. Any closer and it would have had been up to the home plate umpire to make the call. Thankfully, replays showed the 3rd base umpire to have seen it before his less than graceful twirl. Foul ball. Honest to God, that just felt like the final scene in Rookie of the Year when that guy who looked like Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds hammered the pitch from Hen-hen-ree-ree Row-ow-wen-wen-gard-gard-ner-ner-ner.

After everybody's settled down, Buerhle throws a fastball for ball 1. Fastball fouled off. Changeup fouled off. 1-2 count. Ball 2. 2-2. Changeup low and away softly lined to Beckham. Still perfect. Even more nervous. Jesus Christmas! Your mother fries good eggs!

Bottom of the 8th, the conversations continue. "I can't watch this. I don't know what you want from me... I blame my parents for making me a typical utterly neurotic New York Jew." My, that's a revealing statement. I'm going to leave that alone.

"CALL YOUR SONS! CALL YOUR DAUGHTERS! CALL YOUR FRIENDS! CALL YOUR NEIGHBORS! MARK BUERHLE HAS A PERFECT GAME GOING INTO THE 9TH!" ugh... Hawk said the same thing when Gavin Floyd had a no-hitter going last season against Detroit. Floyd ended up giving up a hit almost as soon as Hawk dropped that line. I swear to God if the same happens here...

The bottom of the 8th isn't much. Nobody cares. The Sox had already put up 5 runs. The game is won, but the perfect game remains. Oh, Carlos Quentin? You're back? Nice! Turn it on for us in the second half, big guy.

The camera's on Buerhle in the dugout. He's not by himself... no, this isn't the YES Network whereby once a week I'm subjected to a shot of David Cone or David Wells sitting by himself in the dugout. Buerhle's openly talking about it, it appears. He's playing grabass in the dugout. Hawk and Stoney are making note of it too. "Buerhle's not that type of player. He's not superstitious whereas so many other ball players traditionally have been. Yeah, he's throwing a perfect game and everybody knows it. He's not going to keep it a secret."

"Hopefully this doesn't backfire," I think to myself.

The bottom of the 8th passes with Beckham flying out and Jason Nix striking out. Sox fans at US Cellular go wild in anticipation of what's coming next. The stage is set for Mark Buerhle to, again, etch his name into history. What song do you think is running through his head right now? If it were me, I'd definitely be a Bruce Springsteen song. "Darkness on the Edge of Town", maybe? Does he go out for the ninth the same way he went out for the first with AC/DC's "Thunderstruck"? Or does he go out there only with the chills on his neck?

For the ninth, Ozzie puts Dewayne Wise into centerfield, moves Scott Podsednik to left, and takes out Carlos Quentin. Sorry, big guy, we aren't going to risk a perfect game on a dieing quail and your plantar fasciitis.

First batter of the ninth inning, Gabe Kapler. I'm fine with this. The 7, 8 ,9 batters are up in the ninth and Buerhle's been dealing all day long. We're good.

First pitch is a changeup called for a ball. The crowd moans. The umpire isn't going to give Buerhle's place in history to him easily.

Kapler tips the fastball from Buerhle. Just missed it. There's been a lot more foul balls in the late innings. The batters are seeing the ball better and getting a feel for how catcher Ramon Castro is calling the game.

Changeup fouled off. Two strikes. COME ON!!

Fastball. Ball 2. 2-2. Here we go, Buerhle. C'mon, kid. In my head, I'm reverting back to talking like I actually still play baseball as opposed to being fat just watching it. God damn, I want this to happen. I want to see this go all the way through.

Another fastball fouled off. Now I'm getting sick. Kapler's seeing the ball well enough to put his bat on it. It's only a matter of time before he puts it in play--

Oh, God. He just smacked a fastball--thigh high, inner half of the plate--to the power alley in left-center. He didn't hit the cover off the ball, but that's solid contact.

Wise is on his horse. He's going to run through the wall to catch this ball. He better. For his sake. The crowd around my desk just gave up on perfection. Not me. No way. Dewayne Wise might not be able to hit, but he can play the outfield for damn certain. Keep on goin, D-Wise. Keep Goin... Keep... Goin...

Holy Hell!

He's at the track... Leaps... THE BALL IS IN HIS GLOVE... at the wall, his body snaps like a crash test dummy... he hits the ground... he's getting up... AND SHOWS THE BALL!! HE GOT IT! YES! YES! YES! DEWAYNE WISE CAUGHT THE BALL! HE STOLE A HOME RUN FROM GABE KAPLER TO KEEP PERFECTION IN TACT!

The replay shows Wise bobbled the ball and almost put the perfect game into the centerfield grass. Nobody would have blamed him for the effort, but disappointment would have settled over US Cellular Field and Second City's Second Summer Franchise. Hawk calls it the greatest catch he's ever seen consider the circumstances. (Yeah, hyperbolic. But that's a different discussion.)

Everybody in the stadium, in my office, goes absolutely nuts after that catch. Nobody could actually believe a no-name defensive substitute made the play of the game to keep the perfect game intact.

The replay of Buerhle's reaction to the catch shows his stomach dropping and hopes crushed and then a facial expression that only said, "Thanks, Dewayne." He deals with it and moves on to whoever's up next.

Michel Hernandez. Strikes on swinging. I do my own strike 3 arm pumps and the crowd at The Cell is on its feet.

2 outs in the 9th. 1 out to go.

Hawk Harrelson can barely contain himself and Steve Stone can't get so much as a word in between Hawk's cheers.

Jason Bartlett comes to the plate hoping to be the guy to break up the perfect game. No team wants to be no-hit. There's just no dignity in not registering a single runner in a Major League Baseball game.

First pitch fastball. Called strike 1.

This cheer is notably louder than in the 7th and 8th innings. You can feel the excitement, the electricity. After Wise's catch, there's absolutely no chance that this perfect game isn't going through.

Fastball. Ball 1. Another fastball. Another ball. 2-1, hitter's count. Against an All-Star.

Unbelievable

Buerhle snaps off a slider. It will be his last pitch. And, appropriately so, a ground ball. A tailor-made ground ball, at that, to Alexei Ramirez at short. Alexei scoops the ball, flings it over to Josh Fields at first, and Celebrate. Exhale. Go Nuts. Soak it in. 6-3 in your scorebook to close out the perfect game for Mark Buerhle.

Hawk goes nuts, "Alexeeeeeiiiiii... YES! YES! YES! MARK BUERHLE! A PERFECT GAME!"

People now begin to linger back to work--back to reality. Myself included. But for those 45 minutes, I felt absolutely amazing witnessing a piece of history for my team.

We witness history more regularly than we'd all realize. Whether it be a Presidential news conference, an issue of the New York Times, or a baseball game, we all witness history but sometimes fail to acknowledge it.

Not this time, though; not for me. I rode that high of Mark Buerhle's perfect game for the rest of the afternoon as I received hand shakes and congratulations from every baseball fan in the office as though I had pitched the game myself. Silly, right? Wrong. Other fans appreciate the feeling of witnessing a player on your team accomplishing something so surreal that it's only happened twice in franchise history.

Before he left that day, Brad walked by my desk on his way out. "The Pale Hose! That Ozzie Guillen... he looks like a genius with that defensive substitution. Not bad, Will. Not bad at all," a ribbing is coming. I feel it, "Now only if people cared about the White Sox..." Yup, there it is. I know he's kidding. I've grown accustomed to the different type of humor on the East Coast and it serves me well.

A very typical New York sentiment, though, about so many topics: "Now only if people cared..."

Here's the thing, I don't need anybody else to care about my White Sox. I know I love my team more than I detest anybody else's. I'm content with that. And Mark Buerhle doesn't need anybody to recognize his perfect game. He knows he did it, he'll talk about it until his next start and possibly for the White Sox 2009 Season commemoration DVD. He doesn't need everybody to fawn over his accomplishment. In fact, he's already sick of talking about it. He's on to the main goal here: Win. Or Die Trying. Because, really, that's all that matters to Buerhle, whose outlook is representative of the entire team. Just go out there, do your job, and do it right. Rock, pitch, catch. Rock, pitch, catch.

Roll the credits. Happy ending. And with no White Sox to watch tonight, I've just added a slew of John Cusack movies to my Netflix.

Dr. Feel Good

Will the Northside and the Southside come alive?

The All-Star Break. No, not that 4-day set depriving us of action on the diamond. No, that 4-day set allowing us to take inventory on whether or not it's time to start looking to football season.

After the All-Star Break and a weekend series' worth of baseball, let's have a look at how each division is shaping up and who the big players are in each division...

Fighting out of the Windy City...

It's a rare occasion when Chicago's two baseball fan-bases can get excited about what lies ahead in August & September.

Fighting out of the blue corner, the Cubs look like a new team coming out for the dog days of summer. Did Rammy's coming off the DL mean that much? When did this turn of events happen? The team went from Ryan Dempster's broken toe and a "Oh, no, not again," to a four game winning streak out of the break? Everything about the Cubs organization is straight from Bizarro World.

Think about it like this: the Cubs next series are against the mightily struggling Phillies, the Dusty Baker led Reds, the Astros, and the hot/cold Marlins while the Cards take to the road against the Astros, one game against the Nationals, and the cream of the 1st half's crop Dodgers.

2 weeks ago this team was utterly depressing and just about out of it as the Taste of Chicago was taking over Grant Park. Now? This is the National League's most exciting prospect. A lot could happen here.

So typical Chicago... Cardinals win the Division. Cubs miss the Wild Card, but barely.

On the South Side, things are looking up--Jose Contreras' loss of control Sunday aside.

Alexei Ramirez, Konerko, Dye, Thome, Podsednik, and AJ are firing on all cylinders. And how bout them young guns? Gordon Beckham shows he's an everday player while Josh Fields' potential withers away on the bench; and Chris Getz is letting his bat catch up to his always impressive defense. The Sox are set on offense. The front office won't work to acquire anybody either: Carlos Quentin is coming back and he's going to show he's not just a one season fluke.

On the mound, Buerhle has been spot on all season (minus the misstep in Minnesota going into the All-Star Break), John Danks and Gavin Floyd have returned to form from last season's breakouts after a rough first month and a half. Clayton Richard is a growing concern, though. He's looked terrible for two solid months. After a self-reassignment to Triple-A, Jose Contreras is back. When he's on point, he's untouchable.

The only glaring concern that I can see lies in the bullpen. There's not one arm I'm comfortable with on that back end. Bobby Jenks almost gave away 2 games in the last month. Saturday's game to Batlimore (a 4-1 lead became a 4-3 win) and another to Minnesota (the only game the Sox won in that series). Scott Linebrink and Octavio Dotel aren't scaring anybody either. Matt Thornton's solid against left-handed hitting, but he's very hittable from the right side of the plate.

All that considered, though, it doesn't matter whether it's the bullpen or the starting rotation because Kenny Williams is already working. Do not be surprised if the White Sox are one of the teams that are offering final bids to the Blue Jays for Roy Halladay. Will Halladay end up a Good Guy? Probably not, but Kenny Williams is going to fight tooth and nail to be involved in that conversation.

The Sox are overtaking the Tigers before the month's over, winning the division, and headed to the playoffs. Mark it down.

The Powerhouse Division

The AL East.

Who's in: Boston (currently in first ahead of the Yankees by 1 game entering Monday), New York, and Tampa (4.5 games off the lead)

All signs point to Boston on this one. The starting pitching is endless. In fact, they have too much with Brad Penny dusting off his jersey once in a while. Big Papi's not back, but it's amazing what some eye drops can do for a portly Dominican. The rest of the lineup, excluding Varitek, is dirty. Theo Epstein seems to have an answer within the organization for everything. Julio Lugo, you suck? No, problem... enter Jed Lowrie and Nick Green.

The Yankees have too many questions in their bullpen and on the lower third of its lineup. Nick Swisher is hitting a miniscule .236, but, in fairness, does have an OBP around .370. Johnny Damon looks decrepit anytime he plays. A-Rod's gonna fade--again. And does anybody know how Mark Teixeira is going to hold up in August and September with the New York media begging him to throw somebody--ANYBODY--under the bus? I think he cracks. Tino Martinez he's not. (Sidebar: At Yankee Stadium on Sunday, I saw people wearing "Teixecutioner" t-shirts. Really? Too soon. I can't respect a play on a man's name to dub him a cold blooded killer when that man takes a bored billionaire's Twitter personally. Contribute in a win against Boston and post all the 75 character messages you like. Until then, you're just another Yankee free agent signing that hasn't contributed to one of those 26 championships. Live in the Now!)

So there's all that, and then there's the sidebar mentioned winless streak this season against Boston. If this keeps up, two or three most series against Boston and the Bronx Bombers quickly become Brown Bombers.

The Tampa Bay Rays are a different beast altogether. The team's youth has worked against it this year whereas last year it was its biggest asset. Not to worry though, the Rays will put it together and make it close in the weening weeks of September. And there's a team nobody's talking about in the running for the Roy Halladay Sweepstakes. Quick: name another team in the American League with more tradeable assets up and down the organization other than the Rays? You... in the back... Who just said the Royals. Leave the room and good day, sir. I Said Good Day, Sir!

Boston wins the division, Yanks miss the playoffs (GASP!), and so do the Rays.

The Sleeper Division

The AL West.

Mainly, it's The Sleeper Division because two-thirds of the country is sleeping by the time these games are played. But, honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if the AL West shifted the playoff balance and had 2 teams in the post-season this year.

Angels win the division, Rangers win the Wild Card.

Mark my words, Rangers in the playoffs. AND MORE JOSH HAMILTON STORIES! (Here's hoping for the Rays to really have a strong second half.)

Quadruple-A

The National League. Is there a less interesting half of a league in sports? Jeez this half of the big leagues is mediocre.

Wanna know what ends up happening here? Dodgers get to the World Series and lose 2 games in the process of the post-season. That's it.

Phillies win the NL East, but big deal. The Braves' biggest pitching weapon is "Small Game" Javy Lopez and the Mets have officially mailed it in. (Paging David Wright: You're still hitting above .325, your team is the most frustrating in baseball, and your new stadium has taken away 7 home runs according to the New York Post's approximations. Might be time to find a home that's not so... crackpot.)

Giants win the Wild Card, but that team is Divisional Round and done.

So hold off on all your NFL talk, Chicago. Neither Chi team will end up winning the World Series, or even a playoff series for that matter, but we've got plenty to watch from our summer boys come fall. Keep your Cubs and Sox hats firmly positioned on your heads and keep your Jay Cutler jerseys in the wrapping for a few weeks more.

The 2009 MLB All Star Game

As the the 2009 version of the Midsummer Classic kicks off with Monday night's Home Run Derby we at BTeamBombers thought it was a good idea to have discussion about baseball's mid-season showcase and the question of if the game should decide home field advantage in the World Series. Please tell us what you think and amaze us with your brilliant sports minds. ...First, we'll let the BTB writers have a go at the ASG.

Chris Cwik:

Let's face it, the All Star game is pretty ridiculous. The entire premise that "This time it counts" is so misguided that I don't even know where to begin. Can't we just allow the team with the best record to have home field advantage in the World Series? Would this really be a travesty? I just don't get it. The All Star game doesn't matter, the players don't take it as seriously as they used to, and no one really cares about the results. However if you, as a fan, can appreciate the fun nuances of the game, then watching the All Star game can become an enjoyable experience.

I actually like the fact that one player from each team gets selected to the team. As expected, this leads to some terrible players getting into the game. Who can't appreciate someone announcing "First-baseman, Albert Pujols...Second baseman, Chase Utley...and pitching Ryan Franklin." Sometimes, you even find yourself rooting for the guy who just doesn't belong there. This isn't to take anything away from Ryan Franklin, but this just screams luck and career year to me. Anyway, sit down with some friends, grab a beer, and enjoy the All Star game. Root for the underdogs. Just don't get too carried away when the AL destroys the NL again...it's really not a big deal.

-Cwik

Sean Heffernan:

After the Roger Clemens debacle in the 2004 All Star Game in which the now disgraced pitcher let down the National League by giving up six runs in  the first inning it became clear that having the ASG decide home field advantage in the World Series was a flawed idea. The rule came to fruition after the 2002 Midsummer Classic in Milwaukee where Commish Bud Selig called the game after 11 innings do to both teams running out players. Not only does the World Series rule not solve the problem of a tie game, it now short changes the team with the better record in the World Series. I say scrap the rule. Let the All Star Game just be entertainment and not a major factor in a team winning a championship. 
 
Now for the tie breaker problem. I purpose that if the game is tied after nine innings that each team chooses two players to compete in a home run derby to decide the game. The opposing teams could even have outfielders try to rob the hitters if you want to make even more interesting. People love the actual Home Run Derby. All I remember from last year's All Star Game was Josh Hamilton's performance the night before the game in the derby. If the game doesn't end in a tie then you don't have to worry about it, but if it does with my idea you have a brief, entertaining way to end a game that in purpose is to put a show on for the public. Whadya say sports fans?

-Sean_Hef

Matt Montgomery:

 As we approach Tuesday night and MLB’s 50^th All-Star Game, it’s hard to say what this game really means, because, after all, everyone has a different perspective from this game. MLB Commissioner Bud Selig wants the two leagues to battle it out to justify his idea of the winning team’s league receives home field advantage in the World Series. The managers, Joe Maddon of the AL and Charlie Manuel of the NL, are just as interested in winning the game as they are in playing as many people on their roster. Agents just want their players to be selected to the team to receive contract bonuses. The fans want to see an exciting game and the players just want to have fun. Also, are these All Stars filled with “league pride”? In this day and age of free agency, trades and free flowing of personel from league to league how can you expect that a majority of these players care about which league they represent? So why would the players care if their side wins except for the few players that actually have a shot at going? There are too many mixed messages to the fans, players and managers about the ASG’s purpose. For instance, if this game matters so much, then why are the rosters so large, why does each team get represented and most importantly, why do managers treat it like an exhibition game? I think it is pretty clear that the way the All Star Game is set up, with fans voting in starters and managers trying to play everyone that it shouldn’t be the decider in something as important as home field advantage in the World Series.

The All Star Game is supposed to be about the fans. Let baseball fans see their favorite players on the same stage and enjoy it for what it is, an exhibition game. Stop worrying and fussing about who did or didn’t make it, or why Zach Duke is chosen as an All Star, because the roster selection system is so flawed that you are never going to get the “best” players anyway. If you want the game to really matter, then you don’t have managers, players and fans select the teams, you would need to have a committee choose rosters and that seems a waste of time. All in all, just sit back, enjoy the game, take from it what you will and realize that under this commissioner, this one will count at least until he dies or when he retires in 2012, whichever happens first.

 -Monty

As we reflect on the events that unfolded 30 years ago tonight at Comiskey park, a few things come to mind:

First, not since the "Smokey Vs. The Bandit Debate" have Sox fans and I been so on the same page. Normally, I love to hate on southsiders for failing to fill their stadium, attacking coaches on the field and for well, liking the White Sox. But on that fateful night in 1979, WLUP, Steve Dahl and 70,000 Sox fans got it right. Disco Sucks! Is it a shame that the demolition got out of control? Not really, and here's why: Veck should have known better. 89 cent tickets combined with a complete lack of secrutiy could only have spelled chaos. Also, a major league team sporting those softball uni's the Sox rocked in the late 1970's should have to forfeit af few games.

Second, it's time for Americans to get pissed off again. We live in a time not unlike the late 1970's, shitty economy, a culture of excess and the pop charts are dominated by crappy flash in the pan bubble gum bullshit. It's time for rock and roll to strike back. Maybe we should stop waiting on the world to change and proclaim that we're "mad as hell and not gonna take it any more" by torching a few thousand Jonas Brothers CD's. Incidentally, whatever genius thought it would be a good idea to toss those clean and sober, purity ring wearing Disney corporate creations on the cover of Rolling Stone twice in one year needs to be punched in the balls and stripped of his rock and roll street cred.

Third, and most importantly, the fact that nothing like the disco demolition could happen 30 years later doesn't speak at all to the progress we've made as a society, but rather to the post strike false sanitization of Major League Baseball. Those of us who remember baseball games in the 80's remember a raucous, almost lawless environment where one was free to smoke, drink, curse and fight with little of no repercussions. Ball game antics were not only permitted, but almost encouraged as we affectionately referred to revelers as "bleacher bums".

In today's league, baseball fans are escorted out for being drunk and unruly, discouraged from heckling outfielders and arrested for smoking cigarettes in the bleachers - let alone joints. I know, I know we have to protect the kids. They're here to see their favorite juiced up, wife beating slugger belt dingers and convince their parents to buy them $30 tee-shirts, not to get life lessons in drugs, dysfunction and the proper definition of the term "cunt-rag" as in "Albert Bell! You fucking cunt-rag!". Time was you went to the ball park to grow up. The ballpark was where you became a man. Where you had your first beer, dipped your first skoal and added some choice phrases to your vocabulary. We learned how to gamble at the ball park. Remember "pass the cup"? We learned how to heckle and how to catch hot dogs hurled at us by a vendor three rows back.

The last great bastion of ball park hijinks were the right field bleachers at the old Yankee Stadium. I attended a Yanks - Mets game there once after they'd stopped selling beer in the bleachers. That didn't stop every patron from sneaking in their own stash of booze, weed and smokes. It was about 115 degrees in those bleachers and they were charging 6 bucks a pop for bottles of water. Fights broke out between the Bronx natives and the transplants from Flushing and you really felt like the whole city might burn to the ground that day. This was baseball! But the cathedral is gone now and we're left with falsely nostalgic, cookie cutter stadiums with corporate sponsorship and sushi on the menu. We hear stories of seat jumpers being chased away by ushers in late innings, guys getting ejected for talking during the Anthem and we're paying 12 dollars for a beer - all while Major League Baseball tries to recover from a scandal they allowed to happen in an effort to save their own ass. Baseball's not pure. It's just as dark, hypocritical and imperfect as it ever was - and you know what? That's the way we like it. Because we see ourselves in baseball. We find our flaws reflected in the game's flaws. That's what makes it truly American. It's not perfect and it never will be, but it's ours. The game is flawed, it's fans are flawed, but there's still nothing we'd rather do than watch a ball game. That is until the PC police find the last shreds of fun and kill it dead. Baseball will always be baseball - no matter how many rules or how much corporate sponsorship you add - and fans will always be drunk, rude and heckle our heroes. We're Americans. That's what we do. And this is America's game. So let's have some fun with it. Let's charge the field next time someone hits a Fisk-like game winner in the Series. Let's taunt the shit out of every right fielder in the league. Let's drink, chew, gamble and smoke and let our kids know it's okay. Not all the time, but at the ball park. And for Christ's sake, let's have another rock and roll revolution.

-Wild Bill