By Jim March

“We owe that team an ass-whooping.” -Oregon Tailback LeGarrette Blount

 On 8 carries, -5 yards rushing LeGarrette Blount offered little help in #16 Oregon’s 19-8 loss to the #14 Boise State Broncos in the first Top 25 match-up of 2009. 

Blount’s numbers were, for the most part, indicative of the entire Duck offense on Thursday night. Oregon’s offense started the game with five consecutive three-and-outs, and didn’t get their first 1^st down of the contest until 7:07 in the THIRD quarter. Six total first downs, two turnovers, and less than 18 minutes in time of possession. 

 In truth, there isn’t much to say about the game itself. I could speculate about whether we saw a first-rate Bronco defense or a Duck offense that dropped acid before the game. I could talk about what we saw from Boise State QB Kellen Moore. That might be interesting.  He did start 11-12 for over 100 yards. Moore showed flashes of brilliance. What you may not have noticed was the absolutely perfect touch pass he threw on 3^rd and 2 to start the second half. It was only a 6 or 7 yard pass, but he threw it fading away from pressure and floated it just over a linebackers fingertips into the hands of backup TE Tommy Gallarda. At the time, I thought that would be most important play of the game; it was the only pass on a nine play touchdown drive to start the third quarter. We also saw Moore fumble four snaps from under center. Two of those fumbles were recovered by Oregon and kept giving the listless Ducks opportunities. Good thing for  Moore & Co., the Ducks do their ass-whooping in overtime.

 For those who didn’t see it, an otherwise sloppy and underwhelming Top-25 season opener got a lot more interesting after the final whistle blew. As the teams were on the field shaking hands after the game, Boise State lineman Byron Hout slapped Blount on the shoulder pad to ask him (presumably) about that ass-whooping. Bronco Head Coach Chris Petersen saw his player do this and immediately grabbed Hout to reprimand him. As Petersen swung Hout around, LeGarrette Blount broke out the whoopin’ stick. No, not that one. Blounte cracked Hout in the jaw, dropping him to a knee. 

 Bloune apparently still had work to do, as 8 for -5 does not add up to an ass-whooping no matter where you took remedial math. He decided to throw a stiff arm to a teammate’s facemask. You know that part in Full Metal Jacket where the Gunnery Sergeant calls Private Pile a “fat fucking baby”? That kept running through my head while LeGarrette had his temper tantrum.  It just kept getting better though.

 Next, he chucked his helmet off the blue turf in Boise. I think that was because he didn’t like his team switching from green to white helmets this season. Don’t quote me on that, but I’m pretty sure that’s where he was coming from.  As he headed off to the locker room, the Boise fans heckled Blount. I’m not sure why, but I think it had something to do with that goofy white du-rag he was wearing. Again, don’t quote me on that. 

 I get the impression said du-rag had sentimental value to LeGarrette, as he took offense to the Bronco fans and tried to charge the first row. Literally. He tried to take a swing at the entire first row on the way to the locker room. Then the cops and security finally dragged him away and the shit show was over. 

 Does anybody know protocol for this type of situation? I’m pretty sure that no matter what happens, LeGarrette Blount has a future in reality TV. I’m also pretty sure (double check the math here) that he has five fewer career rushing yards than he had yesterday. Aren’t pocket passing Quarterbacks supposed to be the only guys on the field who finish with negative rushing yards? 

 Anyways, thanks for giving me something to write about tonight, you fat fucking baby.

 P.S. Even without his 40 yard run, BSU backup RB DJ Harper played better than starter Jeremy Avery.

Comment below!