by Sean Heffernan

The Windy City is one of greatest places in the world to be a guy. A sports fan can find a professional sporting event almost every night of the year to attend. There are more sports bars and Irish pubs than any single drunk’s liver could handle in a lifetime. And the city is world famous for two of the greatest guy foods in history: pizzza and hot dogs. What else could you want in a city? Here’s my list of five things for a guy to do in Chicago, IL...

1. Enjoy the Best Baseball Town in America

The dislike between Chicago Cubs and White Sox fans is legendary and as fierce as any intercity rivalry in the country. I have a friend that will in the middle of any conversation burst into a “Cubs Suck” tirade without any apparent warning.

The Cubs’ Wrigley Field is one of the most hallowed sports venues in America. There’s truly nothing like watching the Cubs stumble all over the diamond and run face first into the ivy while sitting in the bleachers drinking a cold Old Style. Outside of the stadium awaiting you is block after block of bars and restaurants. Whether you’re looking for a sports bar, dance club, hole-in-the-wall, or reggae joint - you’ll have a good, dirty time in Wrigleyville.

On the Southside of town the White Sox have bragging rights after bringing home the World Series in 2005 (a feat the more popular Cubs haven’t done in over a century…seriously). The neighborhood might not be as trendy around the Sox’s U.S. Cellular Field as Wrigleyville, but the food inside the stadium puts The Friendly Confine's cuisine to shame. “The Cell” as its nicknamed has all the modern amenities Wrigley lacks as it was built in 1991 and since U.S. Cellular bought the rights in 2003 the stadium has been renovated regularly. After the game I suggest you hit up Schaller’s Pump for the bar’s legendary butt steak. It’ll kick your ass.

No matter if you’re a pompous yuppie of a Cubs fan, a classless degenerate of a Sox fan, or just a guy looking for a good time at the ballpark you’ll fit right in Chicago.

2. Viva Football/Futbol

It should tell you something that the most famous person in Chicago is none other than Mike Ditka - the mustached and pompadoured coach that led the 1985 Chicago Bears to the organization’s one and only Super Bowl victory. “Da Coach” eventually fell out of favor and was fired, but no one remembers that. In the fall, the city stops brawling over baseball and comes together to support the Monsters of the Midway. As it gets cold later on in the season, tailgaters’ polish sausage and Italian beef will keep you warm outside Solider Field. The Bears are on the front page of the Tribune and the Sun Times daily during the season, regardless if they are winning or losing. The team's home stadium may look like a weird spaceship from the outside, but inside it is a great place to watch a sporting event.

Bears tickets will, however, put a nice dent in your wallet. If you’re looking for a good time at a discount price, I suggest you opt for the type of football played just south of the city in Bridgeview, IL. Toyota Park is home to the MLS’s Chicago Fire as well as summer concerts, and the occasional national team game. I recently attended a Chicago Fire playoff game and sat in the Miller Lite deck. For the price of admission you get four beers and all you can eat concessions until the 20^th minute of the game. Needless to say I was a happy guy before half time with my pockets full of hot dogs and condiments. A Fire game is definitely one of the best bangs for your buck in the city. If you're into buck banging.

3. Go Watch the Ponies Run at Arlington

Your fortunes await you in the Northwest Suburbs at Arlington Park. Spend the entire day eating crab cakes, drinking cheap bear, listening to live music, and blowing as much or as little cash as you want at the over 80-year-old race track. You’re welcome at Arlington whether you’re a high roller or just a guy willing to part with a few bucks. You can dine on shrimp cocktail and filet mignon while wearing a monocle in the Million Room or slup it with the Regular Joes eating cheeseburgers and corn on the cob outdoors. People look forward to the track's trademark race, The Arlington Million, all year long when a million clams is awarded some midget on a horse. It’s a good time.

4. Eat Something Bad For You

Chicago isn’t famous for its salads. However if you’re looking for great guy food and willing take a few years off your life, you can’t find a better place than the Windy City. Chicago’s deep dish pizza is world famous with the likes of Gino’s East, Art of Pizza, Giordano’s, and Lou Malnati’s battling it out to be the best deep dish pie in Chicago. When I'm not in the mood for the city's trademark style of pizza making, I prefer to grab a jumbo NYC style slice and a free pop at Bacci Pizza for five dollars. Best deal ever.

When it comes to hot dogs you’d be hard pressed to walk down the street in most parts of Chicago and not run into a place that serves Vienna Beef wieners on a poppy seed bun with relish, mustard, tomato slices, dill pickle, sport peppers, celery salt, onion, and cucumber (can be smothered with cheese of course upon your request).

The Chicago style dog came about in the Great Depression when hot dog had to be your entire meal. Just don’t let any mustached Chicagoan catch you putting ketchup on your dog or you’ll get an earful. The general rule is for Chicago hot dog eating is that the dirtier looking the place the better the dog, but a few of the more popular places include Portillo’s, Superdawg, Gold Coast Dog’s, and Hot Doug’s.

Italian beef is another Chicago delicacy that no man should pass up in their lifetime. Hot beef on a warm bun dipped in Au Jus has probably killed more Chicago males than cancer in the last century. Al’s Beef and Buona Beef have taken the tradition into the mainstream, but they’re plenty of original places for a beef lover to sample all over the city.

If you want to avoid a heart attack or you’re a bit more of a classier individual, the city has some of the best restaurants in the country in every category imaginable, but personally I believe the city’s true soul is in its working class guy grub. Here’s to antacids! I think I just gained four pounds writing this article.

5. Laugh Until You Puke

For 50 years, The Second City has been at the forefront of improvised comedy. Since the theater opened in Chicago’s Old Town neighborhood in 1959, the company has expanded to Toronto and Hollywood. The theater’s famous alumni include John Belushi, Bill Murray, Chris Farley, Steve Carell, and Tina Fey. I went to see a show for my brother’s bachelor party and it was hysterical. A few months later I saw one of the actors on T.V.

Feature shows are always playing at Second City and training classes are available if you think you got what it takes to make people giggle. In the spirit of Second City a number of other improv troupes perform all over the city including the Improv Olympic and ComedySportz.

Chicago continues to be the leading city in American comedy so when you see a show you never know if you are watching the next SNL cast member or comic legend. So after you catch a game and eat entire deep dish pizza, go see a show and laugh until you puke.

Do you have any thoughts about what's a guy's good time in Chicago? Please comment below!

100 Year Curse

by Sean Heffernan 

I have called you all here today to lay to rest the latest installment of the lovable losers of Wrigley Field, the Chicago Cubs.

It was a year where almost everything that could go wrong did go wrong for the Cubbies. Every move management made in the offseason fell flat on its face. The 2009 Cubs had a few things go right, but it was mostly a year of unmet expectations and underachievement.

The ghosts of Kerry Wood and Mark DeRosa haunted Waveland Ave. It took the Cubs three-quarters of the season to figure out that Kevin Gregg wasn't going to replace Wood. When Mark DeRosa returned to Wrigley as a Cleveland Indian, he got a standing ovation, as the Cub faithful truly missed the consistent, high-character infielder.

Things just didn't go well for the Cubs in '09. Alfonso Soriano looked lost in left field all year. The bullpen was a crap shoot night in and night out.  Aramis Ramirez, the only true RBI hitter on the team, still can't shake the injury bug. The only thing Geovany Soto hit this season was the bong.

It was a terrible year.

We all knew what we were getting with Milton Bradley: a guy with great numbers and history of attitude problems. All we got was the attitude. Bradley showed some life in recent weeks, but when the Cubs were actually in the race for the division, he was pitiful at the plate, citing the fans and the day games as excuses for his poor play.

As big as a disaster Milton Bradley was for the 2009 Cubs, I would have to give the biggest disappointment award to Alfonso Soriano.

Soriano might be the most overpaid player in the MLB this season, making $17 million and batting .241 with a measly 55 RBI. You just can't have a marquee player like that under-perform to that degree and expect to be successful. Perhaps the drawn out sale of the Cubs to the Ricketts family kept the team from making the midseason moves they wanted, but that doesn't excuse the play on the field.

What's depressing is Ramirez has the second most RBI on the team, behind Derrek Lee, and he missed half the season. Lee can't be blamed for the poor year, as he's having a great year batting .300 with 31 HRs and 96 RBI.

Another bright spot was Ted Lilly, who turned out to be this season's most reliable arm, ahead of Carlos Zambrano, Ryan Dempster, and Rich Harden. Lilly's current ERA of 3.17 is the best of his 10-year playing career.

Another bright spot in the rotation has been newcomer Randy Wells, who has the lowest ERA of Cubs starters at 2.84. Ryan Theriot has played his role adequately at shortstop, batting .286 and knocking in 50 RBI.

Should Cubs manager Lou Piniella lose his job after the disappointment that was this season?

I don't know how you fire a guy when in his first two seasons the Cubs won the division. I know that Cubs fans expect victories now, but looking back at the history of the organization, two division titles in three years is pretty damn good. Lou deserves another year to right the ship.

Management needs to make better moves this offseason. The team needs another RBI hitter that isn't a head case (i.e. Milton Bradley). I'm not sure Zambrano can be the ace the Cubs need him to be, as he continues to battle with inconsistency.

One could hope that with the new ownership in place, some smart moves will be made that will revitalize the Cubbies, but people on the north side of Chicago have the right to some healthy pessimism. There still may be a few weeks left in the season to play, but Cubs fans will have to look to next year to break the now 100-year curse.

Goodbye, 2009 Cubs. You won't be missed.

Thoughts on the 2009 Cubs? Please comment below.

Lebron, you asked for help. You got it. You definitely got a big body to go down low.

The Phoenix Suns agreed to send Shaq to Cleveland for Sacha Pavlovic, Ben Wallace, the No. 46 pick in the draft, and $500,000. MAKE IT RAIN!

The trade solidifies a few things for us going into tonight's draft: ...

1. Phoenix has officially entered Rebuilding Mode. Amare Stoudamire and Steve Nash might be on the move next.
2. Cleveland wants to win yesterday. That's the only reason Cleveland would trade for Shaq who's definitely running on low in the gas tank. He's got 1, Maybe 2, more solid seasons left in him. Would you believe it if I told you that Shaq's still putting up 17.8 points, 8.4 rebounds, and 1.4 blocks a game? More than that, would you find it equally as or more shocking that Shaq actually played in 75 games last year averaging 30 minutes a night? Me TOO! Really, I had no idea... I blame this on ESPN for sucking in its west coast coverage. The jury's still out on your LA Sportscenter...

As for the Rest of the Draft...

Blake Griffin goes first, Thabeet goes second (he'll suck, by the by), Rubio third, and Stephen Curry goes either 6th or 8th. Do any of those guys make a difference next year a la Derrick Rose? Nnnnnope.

The rest of the class is filled with 6th men, roster fillers, and D-leaguers.

With that, the Chicago Bulls select...

Nobody of any consequence.

I've had my fill of guys with solid college pedigrees (Hinrich from Kansas, Jay Williams/Duhon/Deng from Duke, Noah from Florida, etc.). If new GM Gar Forman goes anywhere near DeJaun Blair (achy-breaky knees, no heart), Tyler Hansbrough (all heart, too many miles), or Nick Calathes (PG out of Florida), I'm already claiming it a true Cubby Blue "Wait Till Next Year...".

Rumor mill's really churning hard on Kirk Hinrich's leaving the team this summer, if not tonight. If it's tonight, it's the No. 26 pick and Kirk Hinrich to Portland for Travis Outlaw and another guard. ANOTHER GUARD!

For the love of all things naked and alcoholic, show me a 4 or a 5 with B+ offensive ability downlow. Outlaw has some offensive ability (~13 pts per game, 1 offensive rebound per game), but I want a big body down low that's ready to bang.

Since there's nobody like that in the draft outside of Blake Griffin, I motion to mortgage the draft to get an established big man. The two options here are, in order of likelihood, Amare Stoudamire and Chris Bosh. I'd prefer Chris Bosh, but I'd settle for Amare Stoudamire--and it hurts to say that. Amare Stoudamire will play no more than 50 games next year and miss the entire post-season. Mark my words.

For Some Reason, People are Still Surprised Yao Ming's Big Ass Foot is Still Broken...

Wake me in February to talk about an NBA center that's constantly nursing a sore foot.

LSU Chalks Up Its 6th CWS Title...

Behind it's powerhouse offense.

After pouncing on the Longhorns for 4 early runs, Texas tied the game but couldn't put anything else together. LSU put up 6 more runs before the 9th as it brutally beat the hell out of Texas' pitching.

Every Texas pitcher looked scared shitless to be on the mound. Ouch.

In somewhat unrelated news, I'm roadtripping to Omaha next year to hit on every LSU sister, girlfriend, wife, and mother. The more mardi gras beads, the better. And upon my return, I'll be speaking Cajun dialect.

One City, Two Teams

Hopefully, I can say it for certain this time: The White Sox look to be putting it all together. HA! Noooo, I can't. But still... it could be worse. It could be the Cubs. Did anybody else see the embarrassment in Detroit? Even when I wouldn't mind--hell, I'd even prefer--a Cubs win, the Cubs just can't make it happen. Jesus God.

The Sox nutted all over the Dodgers, the best team in baseball, last night with 6 home runs including 2 off the bat of Josh Fields, while Gavin Floyd kept the Dodgers quiet at the plate giving up only 3 runs (1 earned)on 6 hits in 6 innings.

Somebody open up the gloves on defense though! Another multi-error game for the Sox as Gordon Beckham picks up his 4th on a ground ball and Alexei Ramirez tacks his 6th on a line drive.

And, Jimmy Gobble, you can go away now. Thank... no, no... Thank you. That'll be all.

Is BG7 motor city bound?

Cubs Win Streak is Over...Derek Lee's is Not
Despite a decent outing from Ryan Dempster the Cubs four game winning streak ended at the hands of the Atlanta Braves 2-0. Derek Lee did extending his hit streak to a career high 19 games. Its nice to have you back DLee. White Sox were idle on Monday.

US Soccer Miracle Win in Confederations Cup
While I was out duffing golf balls this Sunday for Father's Day with my Dad and two brothers the United States Men's National Team somehow advanced to the semifinals of FIFA's Confederations Cup in South Africa. Of course the USMNT plays great the one game I don't watch. The US advanced by dominating the champions of Africa 3-0 and benefiting from Brazil defeating Italy by the same score. The US face Spain (FIFA #1 team in the world) on Wednesday on ESPN 2:25 EST. Check out my report on the game at theloveofsports.com. Anything is possible!!

The College World Series Has Arrived
I watched a college baseball game for the first time in awhile and was actually entertained. LSU won the first game of this year's series defeating powerhouse Texas 7-6 in 11 innings. The Tigers will try to finish of the Longhorns Tuesday night 7 P.M. EST on ESPNThe fans in Omaha where the CWS is held every year was packed. Good for you College Baseball.

Ben Gordon to Pistons?
There has been talk of the Chicago Bulls shooting guard going to Detroit for big money recently. After a killer series against Boston in the playoffs the Bulls have to decide if they want to keep the former UConn Huskie. John Paxson better make some serious moves if Gordon goes to "The D". DWade in a Bulls uniform? In my dreams.

Greatest mustache of my life.

Reciever Dante Stallworth is suspended indefinitely by NFL Commish Roger Goodell

The Cleveland Brown wide out received a controversial sentence for killing a pedestrian while driving under the influence of alcohol. 30 days in jail. A person dies and he gets 30 days. Michael Vick was in jail for like two years and his crimes weren't even people related. Did Stallworth bring back Johnny Cochrane from the dead for his guilty plea. Jaysus.

So now begins the "How is Goodell Going to Straighten Out This Bad Apple" debate on ESPN that will last forever. Way too many people think it's Goodell's job to turn these troubled players lives around. Say I'm a professional football player and I get into legal trouble. Do you think me walking into a room with some guy I've never met before is going make me see the light and turn me into a boy scout?

The first day of the US Open was rained out.

You know its a slow news day when precipitation is the top story.

How about Phil's hair? Sorry, that's all I got. Wake me up when John Daley makes a comeback.

On a more personal note the Heffernan men will venture out to golf course this Father's Day for a day of lost balls, divits, curse words, broken tees, ketchup stains, slices, and swass. A lot of swass. Seriously, I have a problem.

Confederations Cup: US Gets Owned By Brazil. Italy is Upset by Egypt.

Being the soccer nerd I've become I found a way to watch the U.S. get walloped by Kaka and company. Depressing to say the least. The team looked lost.

But a lighter side the Pharohs took down the defending World Champions Italy in a huge 1-0 victory. Now all the U.S. needs to do is beat them by at least 3 goals and hope the Italians get spanked by Brazil.

After that horrific of a performance I hope U.S. coach Bob Bradley shakes up the starting lineup quite a bit. C'mon boys give me some hope!

I hit my eight year old brother Brendan in the lip playing catch with a hard ball

While I've been in Columbus I've been working with the little guy with his baseball skills everyday and I think I've made him worse. Momma Hef says only rubber balls from now on. Probably a good idea. Kid was ok. Little blood, front lip the size of Angelina's. Credit to my buddy after he took it right in the kisser he came back out and started playing catch again. It reminded me of the Adam Sandler CD bit where he's in right field praying to God the batter doesn't hit it to him. Big game for the little guy on Saturday. Let's hope there's no tears.

Cubs Win!! DLee goes deep

Derek Lee is on a 14 game hit streak! His eight inning 2-run home run helped the Cubs beat the Southsiders 5-4. Kevin Gregg picked up the win actually. Jaysus.

The Headline

The Crosstown Series' opener was postponed last night.  With both teams looking as mediocre as ever, I was really hoping for a good game, a bench clearing brawl, and Carlos Zambrano's exploding his knee rounding second base. ...

What am I left with?  Mets - Orioles... great.  I'd rather watch the '69 World Series on ESPN Classic.

David Wright's dreamy and all, but the Mets' Mike Pelfrey blows harder than Linda Lovelace.

Today's Cubs-Sox Game

Danks v Dempster as the pitching match-up. Jermaine Dye should be back in the lineup after 3 days off, Paulie's lookin' good after a quick gut check with stretched thumb ligaments, and Gordon Beckham's looking like he's adjusting well to major league pitching.

As for the Cubs? No A-Ram, but Mike Fontenot is still swinging the stick as a illegitamate power threat. Pfff... please, let me know when Alfonso Soriano is hitting above .250.

With some warmer weather, I'm expecting (Re: Hoping) for the Sox's bats to B an L on the Bleacher Bums' Ts.

In case you're completely naive...

Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids. Somebody finally leaked. Sure, it's a matter of semantics, but can we really call this a "leak"?

Confirming Sammy Sosa took steroids led to my sleeping better last night... or it could have been the Jack Daniels.

Honestly, before the Sox traded Sosa to the Cubs for George Bell, I would have bet my life that George Bell would have beaten the ever-loving shit out of Sosa. Then 1998 came and Sosa looked like Bobbly Lashley (formerly of the WWE, current of some backyard MMA league) before Bobby Lashley died his hair Demolition Man blonde.

Moving on...

Da Bears' Wide Receiving Corps Could Look Like a Less Famous Version of the Team of Convicts from Necessary Roughness...

If they sign Plaxico or Brandon Marshall. Personally, I wouldn't mind Brandon Marshall if I had an inkling that Lovie Smith would do more to keep him in line.

Doesn't Lovie Smith just strike you as the parent that disciplines his 5-year old child with "Let's talk about this. This is why this is bad. Now go to your room and think really hard about what you've done." Flash forward 10 years and everybody's trying to figure out why this kid is such a nightmarish hemorrhoid on the sphincter of society. All the ritaline in the world won't help this kid and all the inflatable Weeble-Wobbles dressed up in women's lingerie won't suffice Brandon Marshall's slap-a-ho muscles.

What about Plax, you say? I've said it once and I'll say it again: One false move and get swiss cheesed up.