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NY Gays Can Marry, Hef Had Already Married (But Not in NY). Great, Can We Get Back To Business Here?!

Seriously, enough funny business.

I was waiting for the most opportune moment to come back on the BTeam, which is not dissimilar than Adam Dunn's waiting for the most opportune moment to start earning a paycheck. YAA! GOT HEEEEEMMMM! (ehem, Allow Brian Wilson to explain for me. ... It\'s gonna be a thing)

Never in all my absence from the blogosphere had I imagined having to so desperately contribute to the BTeam than when I saw Wild Bill's open letter to a Senator (Greg Ball, R - NY, for those of you keeping score at home) about inviting the GLBT community to the marriage party (Sidebar: Folks of all sexual preferences can now marry in the not-as-great-as-Illinois-state of New York. You're in for a rude awakening GLBT folks... I hear marriage isn't that rockin' of a party) followed by Hef's wildly passionate, insanely heartfelt, very public (kind of... a few randoms have to read this stuff, right?), and altogether sugary sweet ode to wifey a year to the day of the rockin'est version of marriage ever! ... EWWWW! COOTIES!

Way Gross. I feel like Bradley Cooper in Hangover 2. Next Stop: Bachelor Brunch at an IHOP! ... Oh, you're one of *those people* who didn't like Hangover 2 because "it was the exact same movie except it was in Bangkok instead of Vegas"? What could you possibly have been expecting?! Well since you're looking for the Coen brothers to also direct your brainless comedies, then I suggest you watch your The Royal Tennenbaums dvd on repeat until you blow your brains out. It's not funny. It's terrible. There. I said it.

More to the point, this is the best time to get back to business. Evidently, we need a reminder about what exactly our business is here at BTeamBombers: bullshitting about a topic, which holds no impact on our lives aside from pure immediate (dis)satisfaction, that piques our interest more than our self-selected career paths. Sports. With a Chicago Bias. I'm all for variety, but let's get back to the core for a bit here, gents. That's what we all signed up for, right?

That said, (I hate that kickstart phrase. "That said". It's so empty. Why did I use it? Because there was no better transition or segue. That's why.) there's not all that much good news out there on the sporting landscape these days. We're all over our euphoria that LeBron James will certainly never touch Michael Jordan. (Hey, did anybody let LBJ know how our real life problems are holding up? I've been meaning to get that letter out.) Being happy for Dallas ended as soon as we realized that Tyson Chandler is an integral energy piece to the Dallas Mavericks and is now fitted for an NBA Championship Ring. (Are You KIDDING ME!?!? He's an ENERGY Guy Now?! The most energy output in a Bulls uniform for Tyson was expended during nightly pouting sessions. GOD!) The NFL is in a lockout for another two weeks. (No good "Millionaires vs Billionaires" quips original enough for a parenthetical sentence. Meh.) Deadspin's most newsworthy pieces are various bartabs in the $200K neighborhood. (OH! Today's bartab was in English Pound currency. Intriguing!) Bill Simmons' Grantland.com project IS WHAT WE THOUGHT IT WAS. (I totally stole his stealing Dennis Green's 2005 press conference line about Da Bears. Tee Hee. He doesn't think too much of us little people writers, you know. Even though he himself is a former little people writer. It hasn't been since Randy Johnson rebuffed an entire clan of lepers for an autograph that one group felt so betrayed by its most successful peer.) Oh, and both Chicago baseball teams are complete and abject hot garbage. (True story. Be it side North or South, neither team is better than its Triple-A affiliate. Both teams are so bad that I'll even bet you watched The Voice on NBC last night. EWWW! CHRISTINA AGUILEIRA COOTIES!)

HOWEVAH! Not all is lost with Chicago's boys in Cubby Blue or Good Guy Black. We still have 3 should-be All-Stars! One of whom should be starting in the All Star Game in Phoenix come July 12. Who are they? Glad you asked. North Sider First!!

Starlin Castro

HO-LEE COW, can this kid play or what? (See what I did there? Big ups, Harry.) I watched every game of the Yankees-Cubs series over Father's Day Weekend and Castro is a fan's wet dream to watch. He's like Omar Vizquel in the field and Hanley Ramirez at the plate (minus the 20-25 HRs). And he's young enough to get in trouble for selling his game-used jersey were he in college. Lots and lots of upside up the middle for the Cubbies. It's just the rest of the infield, outfield, and pitching staff that blows. He could be like Kelly Leak in The Bad News Bears (the 1976 Walter Matthau, not that Two-Buck-Chuck Billy Bob Thornton garbage) just taking every ball hit in-play whether it be to his left, right, or right field. Then, at bat, he would lace pitches meant for ball three of an intentional walk to the opposite field wall for a triple. That'd be sweet. I'd watch that highlight.

The only thing this guy doesn't do is walk. If Moneyball is a worthy source, Billy Beane can't stand Latin players because they never, ever see a pitch bad enough to look at. In the book, Michael Lewis wrote, "They (Latin players) didn't walk their way off the island. They swung." Fair enough. For a frame of reference think Juan Uribe. ::All Fantasy Baseball Owners now say, "OOOOOHHHHHHH, Okay. Yup"::

I think Castro gets into the All-Star Game as a reserve infielder based on his performance in his last 30 days (.322 AVG / 38 hits / 6 steals) and his national exposure against the Yankees. No chance he starts over Jose Reyes, the leader in the clubhouse for NL MVP.

Honorable Mention for being fun to watch in 2011: Darwin Barney. Notice I did not exclude him in "Everybody on the Cubs Except Starlin Castro Seriously Sucks" bucket. That's because he's most certainly not the second coming of Ryno. He's not even the second coming of Eric Young. Fact of the matter is, he's got a long way to go and a lot to prove. But, knowing the franchise, Darwin Barney's just another fun rookie with a fun name passing through the roster (re: Julio Zuleta).

Now for the Good Guys! ::35% cheers, 45% boos, 20% empty, apathetic seats of silence::

Phil Humber

The man tips his cap to our allowing his pitching in his first All-Star Game

This prodigal son of promise and potential has emerged as the South Siders' staff ace, not to mention pitching coach Don Cooper's latest feather in his cap. Hard to believe that Humber "The Reclamation Project" started as Humber "The Mets #1 Pick in 2004".

Humber's made the most out of the least compared to any AL pitcher as he's taken multiple no-hit bids deep into games with 1 run or less of support from his should-be potent offense. One of those no-hit bids, by the by, was against the Yankees in The New Yankee Stadium. No small feat to keep a formidable lineup hitless in its own stadium until an A-Rod single up the middle in the 7th inning.

At 8-3, Humber's won-loss record puts him in the neighborhood of CC Sabathia's, another Yankee and the AL's second best pitcher this year, 10 wins.

He's certainly not starting the All-Star Game, but he should be in attendance to throw an inning. He's earned it.

Paul Konerko

YOU CAN PUT IT ON THE BOOOOAAAARRRRDDDDD!!!!! YYYEEESSSSSSS!!!

After a quick check on MLB.com for the All-Star Game voting, The Captain ranks fifth behind Adrian Gonzalez, Mark Teixeira, Miguel Cabrera, and Mitch Moreland. Wait... Mitch Freaking Moreland? Since when did the Texas Rangers have a surge in fans sufficient enough to keep Paulie in 5th place here? Konerko needs to start at first base for the American League.

You're about to call me a homer, aren't you? Well, yes. Yes, I am. Unabashedly so. But please refer to the numbers. As of 6/28, Konerko ranks in the top 5 in all three triple crown categories (HR / AVG / RBI). And he's done all this being the only hitter with a consistent bat all year on a team climbing the standings. He has absolutely no protection and he's still notched 21 bombs under his belt. If you're pitching against the White Sox, you're telling yourself, "No way am I pitching to Konerko. He's the only guy 1-9 with the stones to swing the bat right now."

The only first baseman I would have to think about taking over Konerko is Adrian Gonzalez, whose average is an awesome .357 with 70 RBI, but Gonzalez only has 16 HRs. I'm sorry, but when you're hitting clean-up in that BoSox lineup, there's no excuse to be trailing anybody except Jose Bautista in homers. There's just not.

I understand why Konerko doesn't have as many votes as a Teixeira or a Gonzalez. The fanbases for both teams are bigger by a large margin. And said fanbases will vote for all nine position players on their team as All-Stars. Remember when Jason Giambi in pinstripes or Mo Vaughn in red stockings would start the All-Star Game at 1B? Awful. I even saw flyers in the men's room the other day for Russel Martin's entry into the starting line-up for the All-Star Game. I don't think the Frenchman's so much as fouled off a pitch since May. How can he make the All-Star Game's starting line-up?

If forced to pick, very easily the AL MVP goes to Paul Konerko. Who else are you going to give it to? Curtis Granderson? Another south side kid and a UIC product, but no. Adrian Gonzalez? No. He hasn't had the pressure of carrying a team. He's only had the pressure of acclimating to a new team in a bigger market with higher expectations, although he's done it with slightly more grace than Adam Dunn. The only argument I can see is Justin Verlander. That man's good enough to throw a no-hitter every time out. He's successfully passed Roy Halladay as the best pitcher in the majors. Thank God for managers like Jim Leyland. He'll make a decision not by looking at a scorebook or a sabermetric trend sheet but rather by thinking for five minutes over a Marlboro Red and chocolate milk. It's not scientific, but I like it!

And there you have it. My "welcome back" entry. Not a single utterance of politics or lovelife milestones met. Maybe someday, but not today. For now, I'll just take my cuts, maybe hit a few on the screws, but mostly just keep it between the lines.

Blake