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That’s Enough, Cleveland

There are three guys that come to mind who deserve a break:  Obama, Michael Vick and LeBron James.  This isn't a political blog, those are for douchebags and (speaking of douchebags) Rick Reilly beat me to defending Vick.  I hate it when I find myself agreeing with Reilly.  But I digress, I'm here to defend LBJ.

First, I don't want to hear anymore shit about how Cleveland basketball fans are "long suffering".  Cleveland baseball fans and Cleveland football fans are long suffering.  But before LeBron came to town, you fuckers didn't even know you had a basketball team.  Just pretend it never happened.  Revert back to not giving a fuck.  Not caring suits you, just like the rest of the country doesn't give a shit about you.  Also, so what if you are long suffering?  Do you think you're somehow karmically entitled?  This is a Cubs fan talking.  Suffering defeat for extended periods of time doesn't entitle you to shit.  What fucking fantasy world are you living in?  This is the real world lady!  Life's not fair.  Deal with it.  You live in the middle of the Goddamn rust-belt.  You should be used to disappointment.

Next, the idea that James turned his back on his hometown is ridiculous.  He's not from Cleveland.  He's from Akron.  And even if he was from Cleveland, this isn't the movies, where the kid grows up to play for the team he grew up loving.  This is real life, where players play where they have the greatest chance of winning and will make the most money.  Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.

Do you fucking people really think that LeBron or any athlete in any city owes anything to the fans?  I know you go to games and watch them on TV and sort of indirectly pay their salaries, but you pay Steve Jobs' salary too if you own an ipod.  Do you expect his loyalty?  His personal loyalty to you?  No, you expect him to sell you an awesome status symbol that will be obsolete in 18-36 months.  If Jobs moved to Japan to run Sony because they had better R&D and could pay him more (and the climate was better, the nightlife was hotter and the people were better looking)  would you be pissed?  "That bastard!  I pay his salary!  I supported him!  I love my ipod so he should love me dammit!"  Of course you wouldn't.  That would be crazy.  You'd be happy for him that he took a new and exciting opportunity and had the chance to make a little more coin than before.  Your addiction to Mochaccinos indirectly pays Howard Schultz's salary.  You support Starbucks, you go there every day.  But you don't expect anything from Schultz personally.  You expect a fucking latte.  It's the same with athletes.  They don't owe you shit.  You paid for a ticket, and one of the greatest players to ever strap on basketball shoes entertained the shit out of you.  That's it.  Obligation over.  The fact that you live in the city he reps, love his team or worship him is fucking meaningless, except in your head.  Get out of your damn head and get a clue.

When did it become OK to wish personal harm towards someone we disagree with?  Who signed off on all of this psychotic vitriol?  Listen up, Tea Partiers, PETA People and Jilted Clevelandites:  You disagree with these people's decisions.  They disappointed you.  You don't approve of their actions.  Voicing that disapproval is great, but there's no need to threaten people, wish they were dead or compare them to Hitler, Stalin or Charles Barkley.  Lighten up Cleveland.  He didn't go to Miami with the intent of slighting, insulting, or personally harming you.  He did it so he could play ball with his friends with whom he already won a gold medal.  Miami could offer him that.  Chicago couldn't, New York couldn't and you couldn't, but he waited until the very last minute to see if you maybe could, so he could stay and keep all you ungrateful sucktards happy.  He didn't wait until the last minute as part of some diabolical plan to sink your franchise.  He was holding out hope, just like you were that the organization would be able to move heaven and earth and bring Wade and Bosch up to the foul smelling shores of Lake Erie.  But it didn't work out.  Stop fucking crying about it.

I know what you're saying, "But 'The Decision' was such a classless move!"  Yeah.  He could have handled that better.  But he's 25 years old - and speaking as a 25 year old guy, let me tell you, sometimes 25 year old guys do stupid shit.  It's not that uncommon - or unfathomable - especially when you have Nike and ESPN in your ear, egging you on to turn this thing into the biggest media spectacle ever.  ESPN, once again is guilty of creating, and thus becoming the story.  Don't believe me?  Turn on ESPN today.  They haven't gone more than twelve and a half minutes since midnight last night without talking about LeBron's "homecoming".  They've been planning this for months.  Their level of sociopathic manipulation makes Alonzo Harris look like a fucking boy scout.  They played up the free-agent bonanza, reported stories based on twitter and hearsay and turned "The Decision" into the landmark event of controversy it's become.  Don't get so caught up in it.  He left.  He brought you closer to greatness than you've ever been and then he left.

This isn't the first time we've seen Cleveland sports fans bitch like a bunch of little girls.  You pulled the same shit when Modell moved the Browns.  Sports is a business.  The teams, the players, the coaches, the fucking waterboys are there to make money.  They appreciate their fans.  That doesn't make them forever indebted to their fans.  These things happen - and not just to you.  Want proof?  The Browns moved to Baltimore - a city that lost their football team over night a few decades earlier.  Part of being an adult is learning to deal with disappointment, accepting that not everything is going to go your way.  Congratulations Cleveland fans, for the second time in two decades you've proven yourselves to be children.  Does anything get done in that city? Or do you just sit around and bitch about how bad the Indians suck,  how hard the Browns blow (glad you got them back huh? Those two winning seasons in the last 12 years must make it all worth it) and how unfair it is that LeBron left?  What do you people do when you're passed over for promotions or cut off in traffic?  Go into a coma?  Spontaneously combust?  You want to know why LeBron left?  Because he's a winner and Cleveland is a city of losers.  Losing is a tradition in Cleveland.  Failure is a way of life - and constantly bitching about that isn't going to reverse this trend.  Incidentally, having the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame doesn't redeem you.  A lot of cities have museums.

And stop acting so giddy that the Heat are having trouble adjusting to three of the biggest stars in the league.  They're 11-8, not 8-11.  What did you think they were going to win all 82 games? 80? 73?  I've got news for you.  Some records never will be broken.  Kobe's never going to score 100 points, Ichiro will never have a 56 game hitting streak and no one will ever win 72 games again (What?  This website is Chicago biased.  We told you it would be).  I hope tonight is a turning point for the Heat.  I hope the big 3 play like the stars they are and just embarrass the shit out of all of you.  I hope the Cavs get absolutely dominated tonight and LeBron puts up a career high while he, Bosch and Wade all post tripple doubles.  Would that shut you up?  Probably not.  If you assholes had any balls or any class, you'd give your returning hero a standing ovation tonight.  But you don't, so you won't.  Fine.  Enjoy your miserable, never-winning-shit, "poor me I'm stuck in shitty Cleveland" existence.

Finally, in the immortal words of Jimmy Kimmel, "Cleveland doesn't rock.  Cleveland sucks.  Your football team is the color of shit."  That should just about sum it up.

-Wild