If Glenn Beck Embraced Sean_Hef’s love of Soccer

So, for some reason, my retarded pseudo-roommate compared Sean_Hef to Glenn Beck today in the comments of a great Chicago post Sean wrote.  While nothing could be further from the truth (I know this because I'm not filled with blind rage every time I read or hear something Sean has said, or see his face) I thought it would be an interesting little exercise to simulate how Glenn would defend the so-called "Beautiful Game".

Sean as Gelnn Beck:

(Tearing up) "Do you remember a simpler game America? A game from your youth? A game where we all got oranges at halftime and Capri Sun when it was over? A game where it didn’t matter if you won or lost, because all the parents were still going to form that gay little tunnel for you to run through? You know in your heart that this is the right game for our country. Don’t let the naysayers and pigskin lovers at ESPN, FOX, NBC, CBS and the rest of corporate America lead you astray any more.

This is a game that flourishes throughout Latin America, the Middle East, Europe, even Africa. Why? Because people in those countries can’t afford equipment to play a real sport. And you know what America? If we keep frivoulously spending on footballs, shoulder pads, helmets and goal posts, we’ll be just like them. And THAT, that is how the terrorists win. It’s time to take some personal accountability America. We need to stop asking congress and the fat cats in Washington for bail outs in the form of cheerleaders, awesome violence and a sport that’s actually exciting to watch. It’s time to make our own soccer balls out of milk jugs and cow bladders and find a dirty alley, a patch of dirt or some other surface that is in no way fit for sport and say NO! No, I will not devote my entire Saturday, Sunday, Monday Night and many Thursday Nights to this abomination of a game you call football. Who is the genius that named it football? You can use your hands!!!!!  You know what else you use your hands for?  Hand jobs!  So go ahead if you must, keep giving the National Football Machine and big old Handjy!"

(Composes himself, walks over to blackboard) “It’s all there in black and white! Look at the word soccer. If you rearrange the letters and take a few out, you get SCORE. And that’s what it’s time to do now America. It’s time to look our fears in the eye and say “I’m going to score!” I’m not going to be afraid anymore. I won’t let myself be creeped out by boomer’s looks, personality and that “Whoop!” thing he does. Let’s Score America!”

(Flips blackboard over) “And while we’re at it, let’s look at ‘football’. What happens when you drop the ‘foot’ and add an ’s’? That’s right, you get ‘balls’! You know why? Because the liberal media and the socialist, fascist, anarchist, communist federal government want you to suck their balls.They want you to be distracted by Faith Hill’s ass and Tony Siragusa’s gut, so they can tea bag you without you even noticing.  And that is some bullshit!  Teabagging parties are supposed to be my thing! I used to be a terrible person. But then I discovered soccer, a game that didn’t suck. And now I am the epitome of what it means to be an American. I’m better than everyone in the world.”

(Makes his way back to desk as tears well up, looks directly into camera) “And you can be too. Isn’t it about time we went back to a simpler America? You know what I’m talking about. It’s the America we grew up in, where sports didn’t suck- where we had options other than The NFL or Nascar on Sunday afternoons. Yeah. I want that America back too. And it starts here. And it starts now. Drive your ass out to that shitty little stadium in the south burbs and cheer on a team with a bunch of guys you’ve never heard of playing a game you don’t understand for a team only loosely affiliated with your city. You know who likes football? Obama. And Al-Queada. Need I say more? The time for a soccer revolution is upon us. The ball is in your court, er, field – no, no – pitch! The ball is in your, on your pitch, America. don’t let me down. Let’s take this country back. Goodnight.”

Glenn Beck you suck.  Soccer is boring.  Hef, you know I love you.

-Wild