LEAVE ‘EM ALONE / TAKE YER SHOTS
"Leave the man alone. And leave me alone. And let it go...let...it...go." - The Rick
I find that much of the mainstream media places equal blame on anyone who slips up, whether they say the wrong thing or kill their ex-wife - as long as it leads to scandal. Do Fox News and CNN have you all bent out of shape and confused? Not sure who you should hate and who should get a free pass? Wild Bill is here to clear all that up with a brand new feature I like to call "LEAVE 'EM ALONE / TAKE YER SHOTS"
LEAVE 'EM ALONE
Derrick Rose
Ever toss up a gang sign in a pic trying to be cool or ironic? People probably laughed, snapped the pic and you got on with your life. Thousands of frat boys and overweight suburban white girls are photographed everyday tossing up signs they don't understand - and nobody bats an eyelash. But when a black guy from the south side does it, he must be in a gang right? Never mind that the kid was a COLLEGE STUDENT or that he's considered a leader by his teammates on AND off the court. Young black man plus urban upbringing plus gang sign must mean gang affiliation right? Wrong it means a 19 year old kid was mugging for his buddy's camera. Why can't we leave it at that and avoid as much hypocrisy as possible?
David Letterman
Dude made a joke - and a pretty damn funny one at that - about a legal adult female and her slutty Alaskan escapades. He was clearly referring to the 18 year old - you know the one who's known for getting knocked up? - and this is clearly some misguided attempt for the right to make some kind of "statement" about family values. You want family values? How about teaching your teenage daughter to keep it in her pants until college?
Jon
Please. If you were married to that succubus, you'd cheat too - all the time. I'm not a big proponent of cheating, but John gets a free pass. That chick is drunk with power and completely off the deep end. Let the man live his life.
Artie Lange
I don't know what friggin wizard over at HBO thought it would be a good idea to bring Artie on for Joe Buck's first ever "I suck worse than Costas" talk show, but thank God someone did. That was just about the funniest damn thing I've seen in a while. Lange said everything we always think about Buck when we suffer through Saturday Baseball on Fox. Hats off you big sweaty, drunken guido!
TAKE YER SHOTS
OJ
Who could forget "the chase"? 15 years ago today. You, your TV set, a white Ford Bronco, a huge stretch of SoCal freeway and of course AC.
What the HELL was THAT all about? The circus that ensued was unlike anything we'd ever seen and you know what? I don't care if he's innocent or guilty (although probably guilty) - take your shots people, 'cuz fuck OJ. He beat the shit out of women, he stole shit and he probably killed two innocent people. It's a good thing he's in jail.
Kate
This bitch is crazy - really. the goddamned devil incarnate. I'm not just talking about the way she shows no affection to her kids or husband on that ridiculous excuse for a show (which by the way I totally don't watch). I'm talking about the fact that she exploits the shit out of her kids and would probably sell one to a pimp in Thailand if she thought it would help her get a moisturizer endorsement. Oh yeah - and sow she's supposedly hitting the kids and denying them water? I smell spinoff: "Jon and Kate Plus Sweat Shop Labor" anyone?
Sammy Sosa
Take your shots. Go ahead take 'em. We knew. We all knew. We've known for a while and we let it slide 'cuz Sammy and his 'roids saved baseball in the summer of '98. As a Cubs fan, he was my hero and could do no wrong, but I started to lose faith with the whole corked bat incident and just about gave up on Sammy when he bailed on the Cubbies. The final straw was when he all of a sudden forgot how to speak English in front of Congress. So yeah, we knew. But now it's official, so take your shots.
Joe Buck
I've just never been so goddamn happy to see someone fail. That's really all I've got. So do like Artie and take your shots. Real quick - is Buck the single most humorless person on the face of the earth? We should have seen this coming when he freaked out because Randy Moss DIDN'T show his ass to the crowd in Greenbay, but really, I've never seen anyone look as uncomfortable as he did when Lange was ripping into him. Lange hated on Irvin and his cowboys and you know what? Mike got the joke! Laughed his ass off and even added a few snipes about "white on white crime". This is why, despite his many flaws America loves Michael Irvin and pretty much everyone hates Joe Buck.
-Wild Bill
June 17th, 2009 - 22:11
I can’t stand people that mock Rose about his grade changing and his SAT stuff and how he didn’t go to class at Memphis. Really? He worked the system. I applaud that. NBA teams start getting owned by picking bad high school kids because their AAU tapes are awesome (and usually have good soundtracks, thanks And1 mixtape). So they force kids that would usually not go to college (and waste a college’s money/scholarship) to play in the NCAA where they make money for the college and NCAA but never see a dime (scholarship, room and board: $45,000 maybe. How much do you think Memphis made in jersey sales alone on Rose?). It’s ridiculous. That Rose worked the system to get paid is just a way to say “Ha, I can play this game too, bitch.” Gang signs? whatever. Name an NBA player that doesn’t wish they could take back something they did in college. Hell, Shawn Kemp has like seven or eight.
I love how contradicting Joe Buck can be. He calls Randy Moss’s de-pantsing move sick and disgusting, but I think being on Fox is worse than that. He’s an overrated Chip Caray (Oh yeah, I went there). The tragedy of the whole show was that Jason Sudeikis and Paul Rudd were kinda ‘deer in headlights.’They got some good jabs but I feel they would’ve totally taken both Buck and Arty to school if the audience didn’t laugh at Arty’s naughty words.
Bill, Jon and Kate plus 8 fan? Wow. College sure does change some people.
June 17th, 2009 - 22:15
@ Grendel
Allow me to clarify on Jon and Kate plus 8. I hate that fucking show and everything it stands for, but they’ve been in the news a lot and I feel bad for that dude. Just sticking up for a fellow bro. Band of Brothers. You should rent it some time.